Ashamed
by entre-lagrimas-y-suspiros
Summary: Olivia/Natalia Set one week after the failed wedding. Natalia begins to sort out her feelings.


_AN: This is just my way of processing the April 17th episode. Enjoy-Xio_

Ashamed

Natalia has always believed in God. She was born into a Catholic family, a very old-fashion Catholic family, so she had believed in God from the moment she began to understand that they went to church every Sunday. The ornate roof of the church her family attended was still burned into her mind because she always stared up at it as a child, while the priest preached about things she couldn't quite understand.

She has always believed in God. The missteps and hardships of her life have only made her cling to Him more. God was good. God loved her. God wouldn't abandon her.

She still believes in Him with all her heart, except that now she is somewhat lost. God hadn't abandoned her, not yet, and she has prayed every night for the last week that he never abandons her, but now she wasn't sure. She doesn't have that certainty, that conviction, that once drove her forward. She's lost. She is lost on a path she cannot recognize never mind navigate.

Natalia believes in God but He is a God of love not hate. She knows that. She knows that, and yet she isn't sure God can forgive her for this. God doesn't love sinners. She knows this too, just likes she knows that you experience love through God. Love is a gift from God, and it should bring you closer to God.

She knows all of this, but Natalia is Catholic so the nuns always told her that homosexuality was a sin in God's eyes and she always believed them. She took their views of the world to heart because that was what being a good Catholic was about. Except it really isn't about that. Natalia has learned through the years that it isn't about attending mass every Sunday or praying day and night. It's about believing in God. It's about believing in His plan for your life. Faith. It's about faith and love.

Natalia knows faith and love, but she isn't really sure she can reconcile everything she knows about God's love with what she's feeling. She doesn't know if it can ever be reconcile because she isn't sure if it's part of God's plan for her or if she has gotten so lost she can no longer recognize the right path from the wrong one.

She just doesn't know, but she has been trying to figure it since the moment she stepped into the farmhouse that day a week before after leaving Frank at the altar, after Olivia walked away from her and from their home.

That was at the root of the mess that was her life. She walked away from Frank and Olivia had walked away from her. She had walked away from Frank because she couldn't lie before God. She had told Olivia that she loved her because she really thought it was gift from God. She felt it and yet…she wasn't sure. How could she be sure?

She couldn't, she knew that, but Olivia walking away hadn't helped at all. She felt alone and scared, and more confused than ever. She missed them. She missed her family with all her being. She had barely been able to enjoy Rafe's week at home because of how much she missed them.

Natalia put her coffee cup down and looked around the kitchen. She loved the farmhouse and she loved her kitchen. She still did but without Olivia and Emma it was just a farmhouse and a kitchen, it wasn't a home. It wasn't her home. She didn't belong there without them.

"God, what should I do?" She asked the empty kitchen.

She didn't know. She didn't know what to do or not to do. She didn't know because Olivia had walked away. She had told her she loved her and Olivia had walked away.

She had walked away and apparently out of her life. They didn't really talk anymore, heck they only spoke about business and they only ever saw each other at work. It was driving her crazy. Her doubts, her faith, her confusion, Olivia's behavior, it was all driving her crazy. She needed to fix things. She needed her family back. She needed to stop hiding. She had to stop hiding. It was the only way to fix things.

Natalia bit down on her lip. It was the only way to get Olivia to see…to see that she wasn't ashamed. She wasn't ashamed. Really, she wasn't. She could never be ashamed of what she felt for Olivia, because it was good and decent. She had been confused, she still was, but she wasn't ashamed. She wouldn't allow herself to be ashamed of something so beautiful. If she had been able to go around town telling everyone that she would marry a man she didn't love then she sure as hell should be able to hold her head up for the woman she loved with all her heart.

She could do this. She wasn't ashamed and she needed to tell Olivia.

She put her coffee mug in the sink and grabbed her bag and coat. She needed to get to the Beacon. She didn't know want came next, but she did know that she needed to be with Olivia.

Olivia loved her and she loved Olivia. She knew this. She just didn't know what came next.

FIN.


End file.
